The Shyest Time
Sometimes in my day to day life I do a random web search for something that has come into my mind. What triggers these thoughts, I have no idea. As to why I do a web search is also a mystery but I guess it comes down to me being interested in a bit of everything and probably more inclined to research things myself rather than ask an expert for an answer.
I guess the trigger for my most recent search ie. shyness in adults, was probably the fact that I fall into this category plus a realisation that I didn’t really know the cause, if there are other mature people with it, and how common it is. To be honest I didn’t expect many results but in hindsight if you did a search on clowns with three testicles riding on the back of a crocodile you would more than likely get a match so why shouldn’t I get something from this subject ?
From the results an article took my eye from a website relating to psychology. The main page had information on things like depression, stress, attention deficit (ADHD) and other, I guess, emotional/mind related illnesses. The article was written in 2001 by someone called Meredith Whitten and appeared to be an interview with a professor of psychology and Director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast – amongst other credentials – called Bernardo J Carducci.
For me it was an interesting read, it seemed to give a lot of answers and made past experiences more understandable. The paragraphs below are taken from this paper and put in my words in italics. My views and thoughts on the article is written below this, back in normal font style.
40-45% of adults claimed to be shy and when a shy person is told of this number, they always say ‘I thought it was just me’. I suppose this is true of me although I am intelligent enough to know this is presumptious and I am not the only person to suffer with it, even though it is or has been rather severe at times. Shyness has three main characteristics and each one excessive :- self-consciousness(awkward or embarrased in the presence of others), negative self-evaluation (I messed up,I’m no good at anything, it’s my fault) and negative self-preoccupation (this tends to be more focusing on oneself inwardly to the degree of shutting out all other stimuli, perhaps seems like I’m daydreaming – continuously doing so may lead to depression).
Shyness affects all ages, but social phobia or awkwardness has a bigger impact in adult situations like finding or advancing in work and close personal relationships. Shy people have difficulty meeting people, starting and maintaining conversation, deepening intimacy, asserting themselves and interacting in small groups and authority situations. Some say that people who suffer from ongoing shyness don’t take advantage of social situations, date less and are less expressive both verbally and none verbally, and show less interest (showing less doesn’t mean they aren’t interested) in people than those who aren’t shy. Shyness tends to evolve during periods of change in adults like divorce, losing jobs or moving that shyness kicks in. There are as many reasons as there are shy people.
Shyness differs from person to person but there are common things that define how it works. First the shy avoid situations that involve interaction with others especially strangers or authority figures (Avoidance)
‘Shy people truly want to be social, but for some reason feel like they can’t and that’s the typical pain of shyness – when we want something we can’t have.’ Second, shy people tend to be slow to warm up in social situations they will go to an event and stay 10 minutes, then leave not giving themselves enough time – they need to stay longer. If a party starts at 20:00 they will turn up at 21:00 but this works against them. In fact it’s better to show up half an hour early and get used to surroundings greeting people a few at a time as they arrive so by 21:00 they’re comfortable.Shy have a small or limited comfort zone. They have friends and social networks but it’s a small circle. Tending to do same things with the same people over and over because of the ease of a situation they know. This results in them not trying new situations or restrictng contacts. They may be at a social function and see someone they’d like to get to talk to but won’t step out of their comfort zone. They truly want to expand it but feel they can’t so they’re stuck.
Job hunting can be challenging for shy adults. Interviewing, mingling with company representatives etc requires self-confidence, verbal skill and ease around others. Statistics show that shy people tend to have more trouble, advancing at work, than extroverts. Slow advancement marks the careers of shy people.
Shyness and introversion are related but differ in that introverts prefer solitary to social activities but do not fear social encounters like shy people do. Two people at a party, the introvert is there because they want to be, the shy person because they feel they have to be. Shy people will force themmselves to be extroverted and is the number one way they try to deal with it but if they go to a party they think that’s all they have to do but that’s just the first step, the next step is approaching people and making conversation. Shy people once involved in conversation are ok, the problem is initiating it and that is where small talk comes in and is beneficial to learn.
By-products of shyness and social anxieties in general are depression, self-medication (commonly alcohol), family distress and inability to compete in stressful, competitive society which is characterized by poor performance and lack of productivity. There is no medication, for shyness though, like there is for anxiety and depression. Shyness is mainly the cause of poor social skills that will not be solved by a tablet. Medication to solve anxiety will make you confident to go to a social function relaxed but doesn’t tell them what to do there. Shyness can become a handicapping strategy a reason or excuse to fail socially, they’ll say to themselves ‘I can’t do that because I’m shy.’
Shy people are misperceived, where people tend to think shyness as a negative trait but that’s because they don’t understand it. Becoming successfully shy is how the professor suggests beating it. This involves realizing that there’s nothing wrong with you. Most people don’t care about you, they care about themselves. It’s liberating when you realize this. Shyness does not stop or limit professional or personal achievements. They can succeed on the job as well as initiate and maintain close relationships. The key to shyness is in the heart, instead of being self-conscious, be other-focused and concerned with other people. Showing you are approachable makes it easier for people to approach you. Get involved with the lives of other people and by doing so you are helping yourself. It’s not a disease after all and nobody is born shy.
For those that may have seen the film ‘Some Kind of Wonderful’ they might recognise the title of the song ‘The Shyest Time’ by ‘The Apartments’. Although lyrically it has no apparent connection with shyness I felt it seemed to fit with the subject matter.
From the above there are a lot of things that I have experienced and see in myself. I’m not sure on what triggered my shyness, but I do know it was through childhood I had it so loss of job or divorce do not apply. Could have diabetes triggered this ? It’s seemed the cause of lots of symptoms. I think it was last hospital visit where the diabetes consultant asked if I suffered from erectile dysfunction to which I replied ‘no’ but remember thinking ‘Fucking hell is diabetes responsible for that too and is there anything that I could suffer from that isn’t caused by it ?’. So maybe having hypoglycaemic attack publicly and feeling embarrassed when coming round from it were a contribution. Maybe the fact that my sister used to speak for me as a young child , knowing what I wanted before I did, made me lazy and when it came to being solo I didn’t know what to do. It’s a mystery but to be honest the cause is not that important anymore.
I’m often negative. Blaming myself, when it’s often not my fault but the other persons, and avoiding confrontation. Maybe even prefering to blame myself than a guilty friend, I’d rather take the blame than them feel angry and fear loss of friendship. Of course an arguement is commonplace and doesn’t always bode the end of relationships.
In social occasions, most often I go with family and mostly turn up early – getting comfortable with surroundings has always been the norm. I do recall wanting to go home quickly at other times when it’s myself and I have thought about turning up socially late so I’m not the first one there, but thought of being late as cool and laid back rather than avoidance.
Also alcohol or self medication has never been used due to shyness. Depression is suffered by many so my depression I’ve never factored as a by-product of shyness but more from other people or situations that make me feel low. Maybe thinking too much on it rather than brushing it aside. I would say that progressing in employment is possible a cause of shyness. It wouldn’t have helped but then again I look around at work and most of the long term colleagues I see, are doing the same jobs they were doing 10-15 years ago and they are more extrovert an confident than I’ve been so it may not have made a difference anyway but then again perhaps I would have been more likely to look to other areas of employment or companies.
Anyway this was an interesting find for me, and I think I would have liked to have found this article sooner. It certainly makes you think about trying to solve it and make social lives much more comfortable.
