Most people get messages from day to day from friends or aquaintances. Emails,sms and even social networking sites personal messages to you direct or less personal Wall messages. What do you do however if you get a message to you direct as PM from a friend asking something and you reply with answers and suggestions, but needing a further reply so you know if what you said was worth anything to them but you dont ?
Do you assume that everything was a lie and you were never worth anything to them ? Were you just filling a gap while their true friends were absent ? Do you confront them to see what you did wrong wanting a reason ? You would at least know what you did wrong and if it wasn’t worth dismissal from their life at least you’d know and could just move on. What if they are still listed as friends or not blocking you on msn/facebook etc., is it better to go silent and await them to delete you ? With the lack of self confidence when you get knocked back due to no reply from messages I go silent. Plus I always make excuses for them. They haven’t seen my message or forgot to reply, they may not be as polite as you expect and so on.
If someone has chatted with you from day to day enough to make you think they were a friend and liked you and made you feel good enough inside to send them birthday or Christmas gifts without price (gift return etc.) more as a kindred spirit than a lover does it make you stupid to become attached to them too closely ?
With my shyness it can be crippling to me for someone to just suddenly ignore your existence. I don’t actually love many people or have too many friends outside family so I might easily love them. Thankfully I value life more than most or am too much of a coward otherwise I may have been swinging from a rope many years ago. I’m lucky having a loving family and mans best friend – mine and my families dogs – else I would just think I’m so worthless I’d shrivel up and die or curl up into a ball and waste away.
The question ‘Is it or isn’t it friendship ?’ comes into play.
Are you a pet owner? Do you have a dog or cat that makes your life so much better?
I do. As hard as it is to explain, my little Cairn terrier pup Milo and the bigger guy my parents West Highland White terrier Pip do so in spades.
Because of this, in my regular scan of internet stories I read about a poem relating to what happens to pets when they die. It’s quite emotional and it would be nice if it were true. Read it and you may shed a tear. If you have a heart that is.
The Rainbow Bridge inspired by a Norse legend
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill, Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still. Where the friends of man and woman do run,When their time on earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next,Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.On this golden land, they wait and they play,Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;Together again, both person and pet.So they run to each other, these friends from long past,The time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,Has turned into joy once more in each heart.They embrace with a love that will last forever,And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.
I recently got around to viewing the television series ‘Spartacus – Blood and Sand’ which regardless of the extreme sex and violent content, some of which might have made the series more true to life, it was an enjoyable tv series. I enjoy action movies particularly warrior type content, like ’300′ and ‘Gladiator’ etc. That the series had it’s appeal and the actors seemed to fit the roles. Six-packs all over the place the cast would no doubt be very healthy and fit.
This of course made the news that the main actor who played Spartacus ie. Andy Whitfield who died a few days ago, a bit of a shock and very surprising. I did read that he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma cancer which prevented him from
acting in the sequel apart from a narrated part of the program. He had apparently beaten it, but unfortunately some of the cells had survived and came back with
vengeance.
Went to see the final Harry Potter movie on Monday in Derby. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. This was released in 3D but I guess it’s another one of those films made in 2D and then converted to 3D to rake in extra money. I say this because it was hardly worth it. Great movie of course, that’s a given, but 3D was not worth the effort.
Maybe because everythings 3D we no longer get the thrill ? Or maybe the movie wasn’t tailored to it well. You could have had Nagini killing Snape from his point of view so it was like the serpent was striking you but instead it was not seen except from outside the building with thuds hitting an opaque window.
So the movie would have been better released in standard format like the other 7 for me. Apart from that it was an incredible film and worthy of the box office records.
If you saw or heard the news on that September day it was hard not to feel shocked and sad. I had the same feeling to that news event as I did on the morning when I was informed that Princess Diana had died.
Now we have the news that the leader of the terrorist organisation Al Qaeda has been killed. Strange as it seems America celebrating looks a mirror image of those that celebrated the atrocity of 9/11.
What we also must remember is that Bin Laden may have been the leader but he only gave the gun, he didn’t pull the trigger. Someone tells me to do something like that, I would refuse. Those that hijacked the plane didn’t refuse and people like that still exist.
Is it good that Bin Laden is gone then the answer is yes. Does it make a difference or make Al Qaeda weaker than last month ? No I don’t think so.
Well the Royal Wedding approaches and it will be soon over and all I can say is ‘Thank fook for that’. It’s not that I hate weddings or despise fairy tales but it’s the media saturation. On tv in the papers since it was announced about half a year ago.
It’s broadcast all day to the point of monitoring the first official wedding shag. I expect a full narration by David Dimbleby in the honeymoon suite with night vision cameras etc.
The only thing I look forward to is the day off and for it to be over.
I feel a bit sorry for Kate Middleton. She will now be hounded for years and constantly compared to someone she has no similarity to or even shares a gene pool with.
Hopefully we will not see another tragedy like her future husbands mother had.
All the best to them but for me Friday entails a movie marathon and tv blackout.
Sometimes in my day to day life I do a random web search for something that has come into my mind. What triggers these thoughts, I have no idea. As to why I do a web search is also a mystery but I guess it comes down to me being interested in a bit of everything and probably more inclined to research things myself rather than ask an expert for an answer.
I guess the trigger for my most recent search ie. shyness in adults, was probably the fact that I fall into this category plus a realisation that I didn’t really know the cause, if there are other mature people with it, and how common it is. To be honest I didn’t expect many results but in hindsight if you did a search on clowns with three testicles riding on the back of a crocodile you would more than likely get a match so why shouldn’t I get something from this subject ?
From the results an article took my eye from a website relating to psychology. The main page had information on things like depression, stress, attention deficit (ADHD) and other, I guess, emotional/mind related illnesses. The article was written in 2001 by someone called Meredith Whitten and appeared to be an interview with a professor of psychology and Director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast – amongst other credentials – called Bernardo J Carducci.
For me it was an interesting read, it seemed to give a lot of answers and made past experiences more understandable. The paragraphs below are taken from this paper and put in my words in italics. My views and thoughts on the article is written below this, back in normal font style. 40-45% of adults claimed to be shy and when a shy person is told of this number, they always say ‘I thought it was just me’. I suppose this is true of me although I am intelligent enough to know this is presumptious and I am not the only person to suffer with it, even though it is or has been rather severe at times. Shyness has three main characteristics and each one excessive :- self-consciousness(awkward or embarrased in the presence of others), negative self-evaluation (I messed up,I’m no good at anything, it’s my fault) and negative self-preoccupation (this tends to be more focusing on oneself inwardly to the degree of shutting out all other stimuli, perhaps seems like I’m daydreaming – continuously doing so may lead to depression).
Shyness affects all ages, but social phobia or awkwardness has a bigger impact in adult situations like finding or advancing in work and close personal relationships. Shy people have difficulty meeting people, starting and maintaining conversation, deepening intimacy, asserting themselves and interacting in small groups and authority situations. Some say that people who suffer from ongoing shyness don’t take advantage of social situations, date less and are less expressive both verbally and none verbally, and show less interest (showing less doesn’t mean they aren’t interested) in people than those who aren’t shy. Shyness tends to evolve during periods of change in adults like divorce, losing jobs or moving that shyness kicks in. There are as many reasons as there are shy people.
Shyness differs from person to person but there are common things that define how it works. First the shy avoid situations that involve interaction with others especially strangers or authority figures (Avoidance)
‘Shy people truly want to be social, but for some reason feel like they can’t and that’s the typical pain of shyness – when we want something we can’t have.’ Second, shy people tend to be slow to warm up in social situations they will go to an event and stay 10 minutes, then leave not giving themselves enough time – they need to stay longer. If a party starts at 20:00 they will turn up at 21:00 but this works against them. In fact it’s better to show up half an hour early and get used to surroundings greeting people a few at a time as they arrive so by 21:00 they’re comfortable.Shy have a small or limited comfort zone. They have friends and social networks but it’s a small circle. Tending to do same things with the same people over and over because of the ease of a situation they know. This results in them not trying new situations or restrictng contacts. They may be at a social function and see someone they’d like to get to talk to but won’t step out of their comfort zone. They truly want to expand it but feel they can’t so they’re stuck.
Job hunting can be challenging for shy adults. Interviewing, mingling with company representatives etc requires self-confidence, verbal skill and ease around others. Statistics show that shy people tend to have more trouble, advancing at work, than extroverts. Slow advancement marks the careers of shy people.
Shyness and introversion are related but differ in that introverts prefer solitary to social activities but do not fear social encounters like shy people do. Two people at a party, the introvert is there because they want to be, the shy person because they feel they have to be. Shy people will force themmselves to be extroverted and is the number one way they try to deal with it but if they go to a party they think that’s all they have to do but that’s just the first step, the next step is approaching people and making conversation. Shy people once involved in conversation are ok, the problem is initiating it and that is where small talk comes in and is beneficial to learn.
By-products of shyness and social anxieties in general are depression, self-medication (commonly alcohol), family distress and inability to compete in stressful, competitive society which is characterized by poor performance and lack of productivity. There is no medication, for shyness though, like there is for anxiety and depression. Shyness is mainly the cause of poor social skills that will not be solved by a tablet. Medication to solve anxiety will make you confident to go to a social function relaxed but doesn’t tell them what to do there. Shyness can become a handicapping strategy a reason or excuse to fail socially, they’ll say to themselves ‘I can’t do that because I’m shy.’
Shy people are misperceived, where people tend to think shyness as a negative trait but that’s because they don’t understand it. Becoming successfully shy is how the professor suggests beating it. This involves realizing that there’s nothing wrong with you. Most people don’t care about you, they care about themselves. It’s liberating when you realize this. Shyness does not stop or limit professional or personal achievements. They can succeed on the job as well as initiate and maintain close relationships. The key to shyness is in the heart, instead of being self-conscious, be other-focused and concerned with other people. Showing you are approachable makes it easier for people to approach you. Get involved with the lives of other people and by doing so you are helping yourself. It’s not a disease after all and nobody is born shy.
For those that may have seen the film ‘Some Kind of Wonderful’ they might recognise the title of the song ‘The Shyest Time’ by ‘The Apartments’. Although lyrically it has no apparent connection with shyness I felt it seemed to fit with the subject matter.
From the above there are a lot of things that I have experienced and see in myself. I’m not sure on what triggered my shyness, but I do know it was through childhood I had it so loss of job or divorce do not apply. Could have diabetes triggered this ? It’s seemed the cause of lots of symptoms. I think it was last hospital visit where the diabetes consultant asked if I suffered from erectile dysfunction to which I replied ‘no’ but remember thinking ‘Fucking hell is diabetes responsible for that too and is there anything that I could suffer from that isn’t caused by it ?’. So maybe having hypoglycaemic attack publicly and feeling embarrassed when coming round from it were a contribution. Maybe the fact that my sister used to speak for me as a young child , knowing what I wanted before I did, made me lazy and when it came to being solo I didn’t know what to do. It’s a mystery but to be honest the cause is not that important anymore.
I’m often negative. Blaming myself, when it’s often not my fault but the other persons, and avoiding confrontation. Maybe even prefering to blame myself than a guilty friend, I’d rather take the blame than them feel angry and fear loss of friendship. Of course an arguement is commonplace and doesn’t always bode the end of relationships.
In social occasions, most often I go with family and mostly turn up early – getting comfortable with surroundings has always been the norm. I do recall wanting to go home quickly at other times when it’s myself and I have thought about turning up socially late so I’m not the first one there, but thought of being late as cool and laid back rather than avoidance.
Also alcohol or self medication has never been used due to shyness. Depression is suffered by many so my depression I’ve never factored as a by-product of shyness but more from other people or situations that make me feel low. Maybe thinking too much on it rather than brushing it aside. I would say that progressing in employment is possible a cause of shyness. It wouldn’t have helped but then again I look around at work and most of the long term colleagues I see, are doing the same jobs they were doing 10-15 years ago and they are more extrovert an confident than I’ve been so it may not have made a difference anyway but then again perhaps I would have been more likely to look to other areas of employment or companies.
Anyway this was an interesting find for me, and I think I would have liked to have found this article sooner. It certainly makes you think about trying to solve it and make social lives much more comfortable.
MSN as well as other so called social networking/communication trends need to lose the ‘Appear Offline To’ option. I can’t understand the point of ignoring 1 friend. It smells of hypocrisy. Ok you add a contact to your circle of friends and there may be times you don’t want to talk so appear offline is good for you to see who is about but not engage in chat. However shutting off from specific people, though not hurting them by keeping them ignorant might be better than telling them you don’t want to talk but is wrong morally.
Why do it unless you dislike that person ? Maybe it’s better to block them entirely, as to shut them out suggests unpleasant thoughts to that person, rather than needing silence from them. In the world where communication is king it appears people don’t really want to talk unless there’s nobody left online.
There are maybe valid reasons and I can understand people needing time with fewer people or specific friends but there is a better way to do this particularly when the contact has been given no reason but has been made aware through error by the other person, that they have been ignored. I for one would never bother somebody if they didn’t want me to, as long as they told me and that’s the point of MSN isn’t it ?
Of course it’s nice and as with anyone getting married you hope their future is good and happy. As I would with all good people. The trouble is that it’s next year and I am already sick of hearing about it. Almost like any other news has stopped.
To be honest the only wedding news I’d like to hear is the father of the bride to be offering to pay for the wedding like everybody elses would traditionally. Makes you wonder if that’s why the fathers happy his daughters marrying a royal. Hehe just kidding. It’s not cheap and as they don’t know me from Adam it would be great to be given a chance to opt out from paying tax to it.
Leave the money costs for those invited to the reception or who get a hello or acknowledgement from them that a person exists.
But in all seriousness it is happy news and of the royals Prince William does have a lot of his mother’s traits so all the best but probably won’t be watching or reading much of it. Second day without a newspaper for me. Next one I buy will be without any mention on front covers.
Well we are now aware that they are down to four contenders in the f1 drivers championship. Jenson Button had slim chance and although he drove great in Brazil he didn’t manage to get a win. Bad qualifying put him in 11th place on grid and finishing 5th showed great driving but just not good enough.
Unlikely as it seems, particularly with the reliability of Alonso, Webber and Vettel, I think Hamilton has better chance than people expect. Both Vettel and Alonso are on older engines and if McClaren get 1 and 2 on grid the others will be taking chances over each other.
Even if Lewis and Jenson are in 4th and 5th the 3 main contenders will be fighting for wins so much they could have errors they never would have made if it wasn’t so close.
